Often, people who write about aging start out with a defiant stance. Age is just a number, they suggest. You can do anything if you put your mind to it. And, to some extent, the moment you decide to give something up can be the moment you lose this thing. However, I’d like to share a little bit about the backside of 56, just to make a point.
Now, I am often tired. The reason is low iron. We are working on chasing down the reason, which in our medical system, looks like it will take me around 3 months to get the initial consult. I could have a leak in my digestive system, or it could be something funky again with my reproductive system. Since I am not obviously leaking I figure there could be any or all of the following tests in my future: endoscopy, gastroscopy or ultrasound. Once again, I’m annoyed. My iron is low, and it’s skewing my tests, but once again I must wait a long time to have this mystery solved. And that can’t be good for me. There is some inescapable malfunction of systems in aging, that’s for sure.
Also, I’m gaining weight. My doctor’s response has been to up my levothyroxine. I have always been that person who assumed weight was something I could have some impact on. I win gold stars for lifting weights and exercising, and eating mostly a healthy diet. I lose stars regarding indulgence, but the kind of weight I’m gaining points to a bigger problem than indulgence. Genetics, body chemistry, menopause, and my mysterious iron issue, all these could contribute. I feel a strange disconnect from my body, like it is this thing not connected to my soul, since it has it’s own mind on how it wants to look that is divorced from how I want it to look. I don’t want it to look crazy thin, but carrying around this much extra weight, I don’t feel like myself. I always looked at people who gained weight during aging as people who weren’t taking care of themselves. Karmically, I guess this means I had this coming. :D
Age apparently means my body has issues. It looks like I’m gonna be an older, fatter woman. I intend to do what I can, but it also appears there is also some of this beyond my control. I will need to learn to accept that no matter how much my interior spirit believes it can take on any challenge, well, biology has ideas of its own. That seems disappointing. I now believe it is an inescapable part of aging—the idea that the body is moving on a downward direction. This is not a call to give up. We try and try to keep our body in good shape as long as we can. Yet, it turns out ability and disability can be matters outside of our control.
Meanwhile, I wait to see if there is an answer to iron issues and weight gain, I watch what I eat more carefully and indulge less because maybe that will help in both cases. I am buying larger clothes I like and I feel good in, to make myself feel better about my body as it morphs. All this is to say age is not cruel. But when you are in the Crone phase, perhaps you stop looking through the lens of how you think aging will be when you are not aging.
Between this, though, and my retirement delay decision, I find my ideals brushing up against my reality more than I care for. The focus of what I find acceptable will have to change. My expectations are out of date. I suppose I should talk about the retirement decision next time. Let me get closer to not being bitter about it, and I’ll get back to you.
Yeah, aging is not particularly fun when your body craps out on you. :(